Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Imponderable Hulk

In the Incredible Hulk comic books of my youth, the Hulk could speak.
In the late '70s, Lou Ferrigno, a bodybuilder who couldn't speak very well because he was deaf, played the Hulk on television. This Hulk couldn't talk, so all they required of Ferrigno was his bitchin' bod.

Years later, they made an Incredible Hulk tv cartoon where the Hulk DID speak. They cast Ferrigno to do his voice.

Think about this until your head explodes.

This Ain't Yer Daddy's JC Penny Logo

JC Penny reveals it's new logo. Behold:

Stop the presses! Wow. Why such a lifeless, boring, limp excuse for a logo, you ask? Because it was  “endorsed by thousands of consumers through extensive research”. In other words, the typical results of democracy in action.

The logo was designed by a third year graphic design student, which tells us A: that JC Penny paid very little for it, and B: it takes three years of training to learn to design something dull enough to appeal to JC Penny.

"How much is a mint condition Zuckerberg #1 going for?"

Because no bid for publicity is too desperate for the sad and lonely world of comic books, here comes another waste of trees that no one demanded. Yes, Mark Zuckerberg joins the ranks of Mr. T and The Human Fly as a real-life comic book character destined to litter 25 cent boxes for decades to come.

According to the comic book's author, Joe Maida, "This is a fantastic story. Think about it. Mark Zuckerberg is the youngest billionaire on the planet and created something that has already had a profound impact on the world. Yet hardly anyone knows much about him. It’s amazing.”

Is it possible that the world knows hardly anything about Zuckerberg because he's boring as hell? Hey, I appreciated the filmmaking skills that went into The Social Network, but I'm no more curious about an overpriviledged computer nerd riding yet another internet bubble than I was before I saw it. How about films and comics based on the life of the guy who created Frogger? You say you don't care? That's funny - neither do I!

The Hacienda Tragedy

As usual, one of the few times advertising agents come up with an idea that's actually funny, the public is outraged. Actually, as is typically the case, only one, whiney consumer complaint was enough to pull the plug on this campaign.

Now, I'm on record as advocating that all billboards be burned to the ground and their creators subjected to demoralizing community service of some kind (I hear cleanup at the SPCA works pretty well). But look, if we can't make fun of dizzy religious nuts who off themselves because Simon Says, who CAN we make fun of?

Ah, well. The only thing better than an ad campaign that fails is an ad campaign that explodes like the Hindenburg, in my opinion.

The story, courtesy of G.K. McAbee, is here.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

It's People!!!!!!!!!!

This American Life reportedly discovered the top secret recipe of Coca-Cola and whipped up a batch. Turns out it's the same seven herbs and spices the Colonel has been using all these years. (Okay, not really, but I'll bet there are an equal number of carcinogens in each.)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Down with the Clown

Terrorist groups could learn a thing or two from these hooligans. If you want attention, don't kidnap foreign ambassadors or journalists, make threats against America's beloved corporate mascots. The story, including McDonald's humorless response, is here.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Is This Thing On?

Leave it to the retail clothing industry to see the humorous side of a violent political revolution.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Geez, I Can't Believe Lucas Sold Out!

Admit it. You were kinda hoping Lil' Vader got run over by the car at the end, too.

It's a Smut World After All

Everyone seems to have a raunchy appreciation for sexualizing children's toys when the kids aren't watching. Up to a point, this is probably healthy. After all, the first thing any child does with a Barbie and Ken combo is whip their pants off get a gander at their privates (or lack thereof). And we've all known that wisecracking adult who won't stop riffing on Barbie's secret affair with GI Joe and other such hilariously taboo topics (we'd kill that guy if he wasn't the boss's nephew). It's the same collision of pornography and children's entertainment that made Hot Topic shoppers mistake Team America and Wonder Showzen for humor.

The fact that this is such time-tested material for overgrown third graders makes me wonder about products like this:

It's hard to imagine this going through the process of design, approvals, and manufacture without someone noticing that this Disney Princess (Ariel or Amethyst or Koriander or whichever the hell one this is) has a giant, plastic shlong. And that consumers are going to suck on it. In fact, I can practically hear the stunted toy designers giggling like farting choir boys during every stage of its development.

It's especially odd coming from Disney, a company so protective of their public image they make L. Ron Hubbard look like Courtney Love. I mean, how could a product with such wide distribution and promotion as this:

...make it past the top dogs at Disney without anyone questioning how the Pez pellets will look popping out of the dwarfs' pee holes? It's just not fathomable. Much more likely that a couple of mischievous Pez employees are high-fiving each other every time they see this on the shelf at Target.

There are plenty of examples, and one you've surely seen by now is this:

It's understandable that you think this is just some pervy Photoshop prank, but nope:

 To be fair, I don't think the revelation that a super-powered mutant's wang is made of chewy plastic should be a huge surprise to anyone.