Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Cap'n Crank

What's happened to our cereal mascots? Why have they become so excitable over the years? Sure, Sonny was always coo coo for Cocoa Puffs, which made him a little hyper, but consider Tony the Tiger or Sugar Bear, both laid-back advocates of their product, despite its sugar content. And what about Cap'n Crunch? Back in the day, he was the poster kid for takin' 'er easy:
No big whoop. Nothing that troublesome Smedley could ever do would upset the good Cap'n. He was just kickin' back, enjoying that peaceful, easy feelin'. But look at the poor bastard today:
Dude, what happened to you? Diet pills? PCP? Are you simply so amped up on your own, sugary product that you can't even hold the spoon steady?
I mean, look at this freak! Is he hooked up to car battery? He's obviously in the throes of some sort of manic episode, shaking and hyper ventilating like that. I ask you, do you want this man near your children? I say, never trust a character who's eyebrows won't stay attached to his head.

And it's not just the good Cap'n. Take a look at the cereal aisle. Almost all your old favorites look like amphetamine addicts these days, their bulging eyes and waggling tongues indicating a fit of screaming night terrors.

Personally, it's not putting me in the mood for cereal.

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